My Big Poppy, my sweet boy, my grosse liebe has crossed the bridge
on January 16th. I’d love to be more
eloquent in delivering this news but honestly I’m not sure I’ll be able to get
through typing this. This turn of events
was so unexpected that I’m still in shock.
I’m numb. But unfortunately not
numb enough because I feel the incredible pain that his departure has caused.
I know that some of you may be thinking, geez he was 12
years old. Your time with him was
short. And I agree. Every day I had with him was a gift and I
knew that. But I had managed to convince
myself that he would not leave me until after his 14th
birthday. And up until Saturday morning,
his issues were very run of the mill. At least they had seemed that way.
He had turned up with a small bruise on the inside of his
thigh Monday evening. I hadn’t seen any
event that would have led to such a bruise, but it certainly happens that they
fall, or play a little rough and someone has an unexplained boo-boo. The next day the bruise had spread, and the
day after that as well. But by Thursday
it had begun to heal up. It was all
going exactly according to my prior experience with greyhounds and bruises.
Photo courtesy of Bille Axell, Axell Photography |
I called Dr. Amy and soon we were on our way to see
her. By the time we reached her office,
his leg had swollen further and an ugly purple bruise covered the inside of his
leg. Dr. Amy did x-rays and blood
tests. Her news was not good. It appeared to be hemangiosarcoma. She had seen it before and it had presented
just like this. But to be sure, she
wanted to send us to a vet hospital further south where they had experts to
evaluate it.
I headed south. My
poor baby tried to be stoic but I could hear him crying in the back and it was
killing me. Given we were in the midst of a snowstorm I could
not go any more than 45 miles per hour and I have never felt more helpless in
my life. We finally got there and Blue
wasn’t able to get out of the car. His
entire leg was swollen up and extremely bruised. They got him situated and eventually came to
talk to me.
Their opinion was hemangiosarcoma, osteosarcoma or possibly
a blood clot. Of the 3 only the blood
clot was potentially survivable but given the fact they could not get a pulse
in the damaged leg and it had been that way for so long, he would most likely
be facing amputation regardless of the eventual diagnosis. And to properly diagnose it they would have
to conduct more blood tests and a series of pelvic x-rays that, given his
state, would have been very painful for him.
After the tests, they would have wanted to keep him onsite on IV pain
medication pending a consult with an internist on Monday.
My big baby boy was just that, a big baby. He was very squeamish and he did not deal
with pain very well. I had made him a
promise when we had lost the fight for Girly Girl’s life that if it ever came
to that with him, I would not put him through it. Such an easy promise to make when you
aren’t actually facing that situation. I spent a good deal of time going back and forth trying to decide what to do. The vet we were seeing was very kind but refused to give me any percentages on outcomes and wouldn’t even give me her opinion on “what she would do.” That probably wasn’t a fair question to ask her. But I was so lost sitting in that sterile room trying to decide life or death for a soul that meant the entire world to me. My heart wanted to do everything possible to keep him longer.
aren’t actually facing that situation. I spent a good deal of time going back and forth trying to decide what to do. The vet we were seeing was very kind but refused to give me any percentages on outcomes and wouldn’t even give me her opinion on “what she would do.” That probably wasn’t a fair question to ask her. But I was so lost sitting in that sterile room trying to decide life or death for a soul that meant the entire world to me. My heart wanted to do everything possible to keep him longer.
I finally asked if they would bring him in so I could sit
with him for awhile. I hoped that I’d
see some clear sign in his eyes. I had
hoped for that with Girly Girl as well.
People always say that you’ll know when it’s time. But so far I have not had a clear message on
that score for either Blue or Girly Girl.
Most of you reading this will have been in my shoes at some point in the
past. So you know that there is truly
nothing more terrible than trying to make a life or death decision for someone
who cannot express their wishes. Who has
no say and only relies on you to make the right decision. It is a terrible awesome responsibility.
I kept going back to three things. He was 12 years old. We had had a great run and by greyhound
standards he had lived a good long life.
I had promised him I would not make him suffer any more than absolutely
necessary, even if that meant I had to let him go. And a dear friend who had just gone through
this same tragedy with her greyhound told me that her guiding principle was: it
was better to do this thing a day too soon than a day too late. In other words, no extra suffering just for
your selfish wishes to keep them with you as long as possible.
So I called the vet back in and told her it was time to let
me baby go. I had sat with him in my
arms while trying to make this final decision and I stayed there with him in my
arms while they prepared everything. I
told him over and over again how much he meant to me. Thanked him for making my life so much
brighter. Reassured him that Girly Girl
would be waiting for him and that he’d run again with no pain. I told him Mumma and Bettina would be all
right. And when it was time, he would
come and meet us. He went out of this
world with Mumma telling him how much she loved him.
Blue was an old soul.
A friend called him a gentleman greyhound. He was very much that. I am already missing his gentle good morning
wake up (always an hour too early but he did have a snooze button). I miss our special cuddle times on the couch
on Saturday and Sunday mornings. I miss
seeing him lying on his big boy bed with his man pillow and his cozy blankets. I miss the cheer-leading him up the stairs when he
struggled to come up due to pain in his back end. I miss mushing up his peas so he could eat
them with all his missing teeth. I miss
having to slightly cook his chicken livers because he couldn’t stand the
texture of raw ones. I miss him standing
at his food dish at suppertime and chirping at me to urge me to hurry it
along. I miss him staring at me intently
with his ears straight up, trying to tell me some important thing. Mumma’s head was always too thick to receive
the message. Blue had more friends than
I ever have had or ever will have. He
was responsible for a number of greyhound adoptions among our friends. I know that all greyhounds are special, but
there was something about his manner that made him stand out among a field of
stand outs.
At this point, with the waves of sorrow and pain coming
every few minutes, I don’t know if I’ll bring another hound home. I told Blue we would do so in order to honor
his memory. I’m sure in a month or 6
months or a year when the pain is a dull ache and the waves are more spread
out, I’ll feel differently. At least I
hope so. There will never be another
Blue. But he made such a difference in
so many lives while he was here. If ever
a hound earned his wings, Blue has.
Sleep softly sweet prince. Royal Bluejay (Blue) 12/10/2003-1/16/2016 |
Post Script: I hope all of our friends will forgive us for letting you know this news via this channel. It was hard for Mumma to type this at all let alone type it many times in various emails.
Post Post Script: Grammy
had a visit in a dream on Saturday night (the first night without Blue). She was visited by Blue, Girly Girl, Fox and
Bea (Blue’s littermate and beloved of Joe Shuster). They were running together in a big field of
tall grass. They were all young and
sleek and running with sheer joy. Blue
stopped and came back to the bridge, as though unsure which side he belonged
on. Fox, Girly Girl and Bea lay down to
wait for him. Then Grammy woke up.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteSuch sad news. And what a sweet sweet boy Blue was. Hopefully there will be another hound to help fill the big whole left in your heart.
ReplyDelete